Okay, so we know why we should forgive, but how
does one go about it? It is not as easy as many people think. It is
absolutely, categorically, not just forgetting that whatever happened
did happen, or pretending that it never did happen and trying to make
things like they were before.
First, recognize that the wrongs done to you were
wrong. Recognize that your pain is legitimate and understandable. Don't
feel guilty for feeling angry, hurt, or betrayed. Anger and pain are
hard-wired into your system - they are vital parts linked with the self-preservation
instinct. They are there to keep you and what you cherish safe, and
some of the things we cherish most are the ways we believe the universe
and people are supposed to be and act. If you find yourself see-sawing
back and forth over whether you contributed to the situation, or it
was all your fault, and it was all that jerk's fault, stop. You've been
hurt. It is right that you feel hurt and angry. This isn't about acknowledging
your own faults right now. You can only forgive when you know how deep
the hurt is, and you can only find that out by feeling it fully, admitting
it to yourself, and letting it be. This is not about assigning blame
to anyone. Read that last sentence again because it is very important!
This is about you and your feelings; it is not about anyone else. So
don't hold onto the pain, just acknowledge and feel it. Recognize that
you're supposed to feel anger and betrayal when someone does you dirty.
And please don't take the bit between your teeth and run full-tilt-boogie
in the other direction and expect that your life is forever ruined because
someone shafted you without benefit of lubricant or a thank you. If
you do that, then you are the one shafting yourself, choosing to keep
yourself in a place of pain and hurt and anger for no good reason -
it doesn't help you and only keeps you in pain (and yields the other
person power over you), and doesn't really hurt or help the one who
messed you over, although in some corner of your mind you may think
that it will. Don't assume that everyone will agree that the other person
did betray you or play foul (this isn't about assigning blame, remember?).
There may be a lot of perspectives on the matter, each valid from their
own viewpoint even if it's not valid from yours. What is important,
right now, is knowing that you hurt, are angry, and why. Spend some
time with this, because the pain will lead you to what exactly got hurt,
which is important later.
Next, choose to forgive. Choice is important, because
you really don't have to forgive. Choosing to forgive makes you
wrestle with why you should choose to forgive. If you want to hold onto
your pain forever, well, that's an option. But remember that forgiveness
is letting go of ineffective forms of anger that hurt and/or limit you,
yourself (reread part one for the sales pitch on why it's a jim-dandy
idea to forgive rather than hold a grudge). Remember in answering the
question "Why forgive?" that "Because I should" is a cop-out. It's gotta
come from you, your heart and mind and will, together (gee, sounds like
a magic(k)al act, doesn't it? Funny, that...). Forgiveness does not
mean that you lose, that you have to lie down and have "Wipe feet here"
tattooed on your back, that you have to pretend that nothing ever happened
and go back to business as usual, or deny that you still have pain over
the dirty deed (whether done dirt cheap or at any price).
(Okay, at this point, I'm assuming that you've actually
chosen to forgive, because if you haven't, I have no idea why you're
reading this.)
Things have changed. You need to work with
the change to come out better off. Please realize that you may well
feel some amount of pain or anger or injustice over this and similar
matters for the rest of your life. It is in using these effectively
without harming yourself or others that the magic(k) happens. And believe
it or not, that's a good thing. Forgiving can take quite a long time
and take a lot of effort. To work with a change, you must acknowledge
that a change has happened. It takes time to properly grieve a death,
for that is what has happened - something has died, whether it is a
relationship, a way of seeing someone else, or a role you have played
in your life. This is why the tarot card Death betokens a large change;
the death of what had gone before must be mourned and accepted. It is
rarely done quickly or easily. It happens to everyone.
It can take a long time to get back to a position of balance
(ah, balance, the keyword of Wicca. You did know it would crop
up sooner or later, didn't you?). Holding on to bitterness or a grudge
will keep you from it, make you bridle quickly at real or imagined slights,
make you froth and foam even when you have only best intentions (darn
it! I wanted to forgive `em, but they pulled their crap again and I
just lost it! Rats. I guess I'm just no good at this forgiveness stuff...).
Relax, willya? It's going to take time, and you're a human being, aren't
you? That means you're going to act like one, maybe a pretty feisty
or up-tight one from time to time. That's life. But that's not an excuse,
either - if you get out of line, you're responsible, so make it as right
as you are able. Apologizing for your bad behavior is not excusing anyone
else's, and anyone else apologizing for their bad behavior does not
excuse yours. But take your time, expect some back-and-forth, some good
days and bad days and the occasional eat-sand-and-blow-glass days. Forcing
yourself to "be good" and never waiver from your intention to forgive,
especially when you've been deeply hurt, will only make it worse. It's
a balancing act, and you're likely to overbalance a bit while working
your way back to the center. On the other hand, try to avoid thinking
of the other as an evilly-intentioned perverted little monster, because
whether or not it's true, repeatedly thinking such thoughts only feeds
and holds your anger closer rather than letting go of it. More balance
here - occasionally is okay and understandable and perhaps even necessary,
but consistently is bad. Anger and pain can be a habit, and you know
what breaking a habit is like - take it day by day, hour by hour, even
minute by minute if you have to.
Now the work of the process of forgiveness becomes more
active and focused. Having made the decision to forgive, establish
well-defined boundaries and communicate them as one equal to
another. If you don't do this, you are tattooing that "welcome"
sign on your fanny and lying down in front of your unlocked door. This
step is vital for your self-respect - for genuine self-respect.
You have legitimate feelings and needs which deserve respect, and allowing
others to disregard your boundaries about them perpetuates the problem.
Establishing boundaries is not as hard as you might think - think
of it as saying an appropriate "no" at the appropriate time. Be
firm in, and unapologetic for, setting your boundaries, but not autocratic
or superior (this can be a real temptation if you've played the subservient
role in the past, but being a dominating jerk yourself is just the flip-side
of the coin, a psychological game that has no winner, and maintains
the problem! Fairness and equality are important, here, so work out
very carefully what fair and equal actually is, and then be it). Don't
expect others to be happy when you do this, especially if you've let
them walk all over you in the past. You know where the boundary needs
to be for you, it is your responsibility to set it, communicate it to
others, and to enforce it.
Kindly note, don't look at this as permission to set your
boundaries as an attack on the other - telling your soon-to-be ex that
this city is yours and they have to leave it and never come back, or
that these are your friends so s/he better stay away from them, etc.,
is going way overboard. Try "I really don't want to talk to you for
a while, don't call me again. I'll call you if and when I'm ready to
talk." Boundaries should be only in relation to you, not in their relationship
to the world or their relationships with others (except in situations
where you are responsible for someone else, such as when you are a guardian
or parent). Be assertive, but not aggressive. The focus must
be on your boundaries (this is good for you), not on trying to hurt
or wound the one who hurt you (doing this only perpetuates or worsens
the problem). Be committed to fairness, and if that means that your
path doesn't follow along with what someone else wants, well, that's
too bad for them. Expect to have your boundaries tested, because they
are likely to be. Being flexible about them and waffling now will only
hurt you. Again.
You are probably noticing that others may think quite
a bit less of you than you'd like. If you are complaining to everyone
who will listen, you may be looking for something beyond validation
of your right to feel hurt and angry - you may be looking to be told
you are right to hold onto your anger, maybe even hatred, or worse,
trying to get even. If you find yourself thinking of those who only
confirm your viewpoint as your friends and those who do not as your
enemies, or at least not-nice people, you are probably getting yourself
into trouble. At some point, your going to need to start taking others'
perspectives into account. Then it becomes time to start a delicate
dance of distancing yourself from the need to judge somebody wrong,
to condemn someone for your pain - the dance of letting everyone have
their own equally valid viewpoint (yourself included), and not demanding
that everyone support only you. Here comes another place where Wiccan
philosophy helps - here, we revisit "perfect love" and "perfect trust".
What! Love and trust when you've been betrayed and hurt by that... that
vile monster?! Er... inconsiderate SOB?! Um, okay, okay... person who
hurt me?! Yes. But let's take a look at what exactly "perfect love"
and "perfect trust" means. Perfect love is loving someone for who
they are, human beings, part deity and part animal and part human,
in short, both glorious and pains in the... rump. Perfect trust involves
understanding that these human beings have their own viewpoints, motivations,
lessons they are working on, and understandings of the world, and their
own understanding of their and your actions and that they will be
different from yours. Perfect trust honors those differences. Much
of the pain you may feel may have more to do with your not realizing
that a difference was there and believing that such a difference shouldn't
be there - likely, it was there all along, but you hadn't seen it. Well,
in that case you've "should" all over yourself and others, and that's
unpleasant for everybody. It is time to try to see the person you feel
betrayed and hurt by as who is really there, not the picture in your
head. This will probably require actually listening to what the other
person has to say, letting them express their perspective and feelings,
and trying to understand that viewpoint and those feelings, and the
situation from their viewpoint. They're most likely to have some points
that you need to fairly acknowledge. When it becomes really understandable
how the relationship became so wounding, you have made real progress.
Now you can begin to accept ownership of your legitimate portion of
the pain and of the problem, and most importantly, figure out how not
to have that problem again (in a better way than "I just won't get involved
with that jerk again."). In short, learn the lesson. Dishonesty
with yourself, not being the genuine human you, at this stage, dooms
you to repeating the lesson (same jerk, different body).
The stage is now set for resolution of the matter. You
should see how everyone contributed to the situation, and realize that
the other people involved and the situation itself, was beyond your
direct control. You can't control other people, you can't control the
world outside you, but you can control yourself, your actions, reactions
and judgments, and thereby influence the world. Part of what is so vexing
is that we often live with the illusion of control - we think
we can control others and they think they can control us, and we strive
against each other for mastery of the situation and each other. We forget
that others are free to make their own choices and responses, and that
these are sometimes going to conflict with ours. Wiccan ethics respect
free will; isn't it odd that we can so easily find ourselves violating
them, or at least wanting to do so really, really badly? It is so instinctual,
and so easy to forget that the ability to control is an illusion - we
only "control" when others choose to let us! Expecting that others will
always freely choose to let us control them is, well, ridiculous, isn't
it, when you put it that way? But so very often, that is what we do,
and then try to build our world using that expectation as a cornerstone.
Of course when that cornerstone crumbles and our world shakes like Kathryn
Hepburn doing the lambada ("the forbidden dance"), we shouldn't be too
surprised. But we are, and it hurts. Taking this into account while
we're reconstructing our world can help prevent future catastrophes,
if not odd visualizations while reading essays written by Mortir.
Now comes what can be the hardest part of the process
of forgiving for many of us - accepting that others either choose, or
have chosen, differently than we would like. But with that pain is also
promise: you, too, are free to choose your own way. Striving to control
everything is the surest path to losing control of what you can control
- yourself! It is to be hoped that you will choose to grow and learn
and thus complete the lesson you have set yourself to learn. Free will
also extends to the choices you have made as to which lessons to try
to learn, and this has been one of them. Focus on that, and change
the world by changing yourself. This is the crux and heart of the
matter! For the majority of the pain to go away, for most, or even all,
of the anger to recede, you must carefully decide what to change about
yourself, and then actually change it. Part of that change must also
be to forgive yourself.
You may be able to work with those whom you've
needed to forgive. You may not. You may be able to mend the relationship,
working with the changes in the relationship and each other. You may
not. You may realize that they were right, or they may realize that
you were right, or you may be able to agree to disagree. Maybe not.
Even if the other person or people choose not to, or simply cannot,
put the dealt-with issue behind them and move on, you can. To forgive
fully, you must. If you're still hurting grievously over it, you still
have work to do, perhaps another lesson to learn from it (remember,
though, you may still have some pain even after having fully forgiven).
But do not allow others to hold you back or down with their pain, or
their inability or unwillingness to forgive and move on. That is their
issue, their lesson, not yours. (Hey look, another boundary!)
When boiled down to its essentials, the process of forgiveness
sounds pretty simple and straightforward - but like anything in life,
theory is great, but when it comes to actual practice as an individual,
we are all different. In fact, every time we have to go through the
process it is different, because we are different than when we went
through it before, and hopefully, it is not the same people or things
that you need to forgive. It helps to have friends, especially friends
who can be objective and not merely confirm your old perspective of
things (and thus undermine your chances and ability to grow meaningfully).
It helps to have a non-judgmental priest or priestess (or a therapist)
who doesn't have a dog in the fight, someone who is not personally involved
and has no personal axe to grind, to help you move through the process
of forgiving by affirming your feelings and your right to them, but
also challenge you to grow by helping you see what you need to change
in yourself.
Forgiveness is about letting go of ineffective and self-
harming anger, healing your wounds, and creating a better you by learning
the right lessons from your painful experience. Because you create a
better you, your world becomes better. Having let go of the weight of
pain and anger and having learned from and let go of the past, you are
free to embrace the present and look forward to a much better and brighter
future. You are free to possess more genuine self-esteem and a better
understanding of yourself and others. You are able to build a more stable,
less shaky world where you can actually trust others, the human beings
that are really there. You are free to regain your balance, your
center, which is the place where we touch the gods, and they embrace
us. Isn't that true joy?
© SerpentStone, All rites reserved.
Used with permission