In the beginning, there was the world. There were oceans,
mountains, deserts, jungles and plains. There was vegetation—trees,
grasses, vines, mosses, and fungi. There were also animals—dogs,
elephants, horses, birds, fish and snakes. There were insects of all
kinds—some that crawled, some that flew, and some that hopped.
There were only four people on this little Earth.
Chet and Dixie lived in a small silver trailer-house near
the Tennessee River. In front of their trailer they grew tomatoes and
other vegetables to feed themselves, and to the side they kept some
pigs and chickens. When Chet wasn’t working, he liked to relax
wearing nothing but his ratty T-shirt and striped boxers, drinking Lucky
Lager beer and smoking Camel cigarettes. Dixie wore her flowered house-dress
and flip-flops, which always complimented the pink rollers in her hair
and the heavy blue eye-shadow she was so fond of. After Chet and Dixie
had been together for nine months to the day, Dixie gave birth to their
first daughter, who they named Erline. Erline was quickly followed by
the twins, Jed and Bubba.
Now miles away near the coast (which would later be known
as Malibu), there were two other people. Arthur and BeBe lived in a
new two-story beach home, complete with white carpeting, leather furniture,
and a Sub Zero refrigerator. They felt that growing their own food was
oh-so-ordinary, so they subsisted on food that they could gather on
their early morning jogs. They soon became a little family when Biff
was born, and Biff was followed by I’m-so-perfect Muffy.
Dixie’s family continued to grow, as did BeBe’s,
and since the world is really such a small place, eventually Biff and
Erline met and decided to get married, which pissed off both sets of
parents royally. And in time, they also had children. Biff and Erline
became known as “middle class” and Biff eventually designed
a vehicle known as a “mini-van.”
Two of Dixie’s children also married (each other)
and became “sang” (ginseng) gatherers, all the while breeding
like alley cats. Luckily, they had both inherited their parents’
sense of fashion, complete with blue eye-shadow and pink foam curlers
and the same stylish ratty T-shirts. Eventually their offspring were
instrumental in bringing us WalMarts, NASCAR, and faded red pick-ups,
and were the first to breed hound dogs. They also made the important
discovery of using coat hangers for TV antennas.
BeBe’s family also continued to expand after Biff
and I’m-so-perfect Muffy, although how BeBe was able to continue
getting pregnant after Biff’s and I’m-so-perfect Muffy’s
birth is one of the seven wonders of the world, since she felt that
sex mussed up her perfect bob and was too “messy, dahling.”
Arthur’s clan was responsible for bringing us portfolios, Lexus
SUVs, cigarette holders and sailboats.
This, my children, is how our Earth was populated, and
since all people came from these original four, our DNA can be traced
to Chet & Dixie and Arthur & BeBe. This also explains certain
mysterious traits, such as a college professor suddenly screaming out
“Hot Damn!” or the CEO of AT&T reaching down and unknowingly
scratching his huevos after ordering a side of biscuits and gravy to
go with his lobster soufflé.