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The Beginning

By Wytchazel
(Written for Ecclasia)

In the beginning, there was the world. There were oceans, mountains, deserts, jungles and plains. There was vegetation—trees, grasses, vines, mosses, and fungi. There were also animals—dogs, elephants, horses, birds, fish and snakes. There were insects of all kinds—some that crawled, some that flew, and some that hopped. There were only four people on this little Earth.

Chet and Dixie lived in a small silver trailer-house near the Tennessee River. In front of their trailer they grew tomatoes and other vegetables to feed themselves, and to the side they kept some pigs and chickens. When Chet wasn’t working, he liked to relax wearing nothing but his ratty T-shirt and striped boxers, drinking Lucky Lager beer and smoking Camel cigarettes. Dixie wore her flowered house-dress and flip-flops, which always complimented the pink rollers in her hair and the heavy blue eye-shadow she was so fond of. After Chet and Dixie had been together for nine months to the day, Dixie gave birth to their first daughter, who they named Erline. Erline was quickly followed by the twins, Jed and Bubba.

Now miles away near the coast (which would later be known as Malibu), there were two other people. Arthur and BeBe lived in a new two-story beach home, complete with white carpeting, leather furniture, and a Sub Zero refrigerator. They felt that growing their own food was oh-so-ordinary, so they subsisted on food that they could gather on their early morning jogs. They soon became a little family when Biff was born, and Biff was followed by I’m-so-perfect Muffy.

Dixie’s family continued to grow, as did BeBe’s, and since the world is really such a small place, eventually Biff and Erline met and decided to get married, which pissed off both sets of parents royally. And in time, they also had children. Biff and Erline became known as “middle class” and Biff eventually designed a vehicle known as a “mini-van.”

Two of Dixie’s children also married (each other) and became “sang” (ginseng) gatherers, all the while breeding like alley cats. Luckily, they had both inherited their parents’ sense of fashion, complete with blue eye-shadow and pink foam curlers and the same stylish ratty T-shirts. Eventually their offspring were instrumental in bringing us WalMarts, NASCAR, and faded red pick-ups, and were the first to breed hound dogs. They also made the important discovery of using coat hangers for TV antennas.

BeBe’s family also continued to expand after Biff and I’m-so-perfect Muffy, although how BeBe was able to continue getting pregnant after Biff’s and I’m-so-perfect Muffy’s birth is one of the seven wonders of the world, since she felt that sex mussed up her perfect bob and was too “messy, dahling.” Arthur’s clan was responsible for bringing us portfolios, Lexus SUVs, cigarette holders and sailboats.

This, my children, is how our Earth was populated, and since all people came from these original four, our DNA can be traced to Chet & Dixie and Arthur & BeBe. This also explains certain mysterious traits, such as a college professor suddenly screaming out “Hot Damn!” or the CEO of AT&T reaching down and unknowingly scratching his huevos after ordering a side of biscuits and gravy to go with his lobster soufflé.


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This page last updated November 21, 2004